i don't want to have to scream to be heard (essay)

on being "the quiet girl"

In my core, I’ve always known one fundamental truth above all else: the world is not ready to listen to people like me. I know that’s a very arrogant interpretation of my own existence, but before you get this all wrong, I need you to hear me out first.

I have spent all my life wrapped up in obessive and constant thoughts. I remember having nights as a child where I just could not fall asleep because I spent hours just thinking. The thoughts persist and I have always just wanted to have an outlet. If I don’t have one, they stick inside my brain. I turn them over and over and over in my head trying to find the perfect way to communicate them to other people so they’ll understand me, and yet I am never satisfied with myself. And so, for much of my life, I remained quiet.

It’s so much easier to write and refine a thought with all the time in the world than it is to put it into the world before it’s “finished”. I could spend entire nights writing and rewriting the same few paragraphs (and I have) to make them just right. I feel that, in social situations, I am often mistaken for someone who has little to say or nothing of importance to add. I can remember tagging along to social events in high school and hearing comments from people I didn’t know that I just was so quiet. The truth is, I always had things so say, but would they be the right things, and even if they were, who would even listen?

I have so much I want to say, but I just want to make sure it’s right. When I don’t do that everything comes out raging, buring, and wrong. Or at least it feels that way. If I don’t take the time, I don’t know who is going to get hurt or what is going to be misunderstood or if there is a better way I could have expressed myself.

Recently, I’ve been trying to care less about that. Especially at work. It’s funny because I’m a teacher, so by profession I’m expected to be LOUD. I can do what I need to in the classroom, and I do it well, but with coworkers and in meetings? It’s a totally different story. I often feel that I am engaging in some type of verbal warfare to speak my mind. I think part of the problem is that I’ve spent so much of my life being quiet, that when I get bulldozed over by people louder than me, it feels personal. I often know it’s not, but that doesn’t make it sting less. And while it’s true I needed to learn to speak up, I think there’s a bigger societal problem here, though - why should I have to make myself fight to be heard? Why doesn’t everyone else know how to listen?

I have never been the loudest person in a room. I never will be. And I don’t want the world to force me into screaming just to feel like I have something worth hearing. The soft-spoken people who in a room are worth listening to just as much as the people who yell. We sometimes just need a little time and a little recognition that what we have to say is worth saying out loud.

I often leave exchanges with regret. Reflecting on an interaction usully leaves me feeling that I miscommunicated. I did something wrong. I phrased something incorrectly. I said too much or too little. I didn’t fit in. What I said was disregarded. Call it social anxiety, call it being introverted, call it whatever you want, it doesn’t really matter.

Here’s what matters: I have a voice and I want to use it. But does the world have ears it wants to use? Or is it content with leaving some people in the shadows? When I find myself in situations these days demanding to be heard, I know I can come across as rude or bitchy. Sometimes I find myself being the interrupter of someone else just so I can be heard, because if I don’t, I won’t get the chance. I want to have a conversation. I don’t want to be a sounding board for someone else to hear themselves.

This isn’t to say every needs to be the same. Over time, I have learned that I do need to speak up and find a way to make my voice heard. I’m ok with some self-growth, but I don’t want it to come at the complete cost of myself. I’ll give more of my voice, but only if you’ll lend me a more open ear.