never have i ever (poem)
you should find another guiding light.
“So I wander through these nights
I prefer hiding in plain sight
My fourth drink in my hand
These desperate prayers of a cursed man
Spilling out to you for free
But darling, darling, please
You wouldn't take my word for it
If you knew who was talking”
from “Dear Reader” by Taylor Swift
a poem from the vault. i wrote this about two years ago while listening to “dear reader” on repeat (still the most underrated taylor song of all time btw). it’s not my favorite thing i’ve ever written just because i feel like when i try to write something that rhymes it usually sounds so contrived, but i have been working on cleaning out my “in progress” folder on my drive. i made some minor tweaks to this so it scans better and changed/added two or three lines, but otherwise it’s in the original form.
never have i ever
i’ve never loved anything quite enough to see it through.
i’ve never believed in anyone ‘til i believed in you.
i’ve never seen the lighthouse before i’ve faced the danger.
i’ve never waited to strike the match, always been quick to anger.
i’ve never followed my own advice after giving it.
i’ve never trusted a man after i’ve forgiven him.
i’ve never dropped my sword i’ve just hidden it up my sleeve.
i’ve never known how to hold my tongue when getting up to leave.
i’ve never been able to meet my gaze in the mirror.
i’ve never tasted alcohol stronger than the taste of fear.
i’ve never left the slaughterhouse without blood on my tongue.
i’ve never learned how to breathe without water in my lungs.
i’ve never known a crowded room without the solitude.
i’ve never picked up my pen and written something wholly new.
and i’ve tried twenty-nine times to become someone else
and i’ve ended up with thirty broken versions of myself.
i’m running out of body bags to carry all of the weight
of every single mistake that i have ever made.
amongst all of these recycled and dishonest poetry lines
are all of these seemingly pseudo-confessions of mine
in which i’ve been searching for something beyond divine,
perhaps an absolution or adoration of some kind.
because the truth is i don’t even know what the truth is
and if i have nothing honest to give then i’m useless.
there is not enough candle left to last through the night
the flicker to my flame, you should find another guiding light.
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